Tell me your favorite jokes

Two idiots try to start a fire: the 1st one says: "Are you sure the matches work?" The 2nd answers:"Yes, I've tried them all".

 

Take two

Atoms are the best liars. They make up everything
There's a band called 1023mb but they haven't had any gigs.
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors."

Boy, am I fun at parties!

 

I've seen that everywhere.

 

Helium goes to a bar.
The bartender says:"Sorry, we don't serve noble gases."
He doesn't react

 

Why is friday the best day of the week? Because they fry chicken.

Unfunny?

ok. ._____________.

 

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!''

Totally didn't find this from the internet.. xD
I'm not funny ok.

 

Why did I laugh

 

Does normal dogs say when they saw police dogs, "Oh sh**, its the cops!"

Edit:
Teacher: *gives paper*
Teacher: write on the paper what you want to become

All student wrote chef doctor etc but Chris wrote

Chris: I want to be like Lebron James

Shave my hair
Be tall
Be Black


Do you know whats better than child's laughter? Not having kids.


People say you can be anything you want.

I said: I'll be a potato



When my neighbor isn't in home, I rolled on vegetable garden acting like a carrot



Teacher: Okay class, tell me what you wanna be and why.

John: I want to be a president to give donations to the poor

Alyssa: I want to be a doctor to give free medical surgery and check-ups to the poor

Shaun: I want to be a chef to give food the poor

Teacher: How about you Lazy Jack

Lazy Jack: I want to be poor so I won't do jobs in my life.




last one:

 

There were 3 men on a roadtrip named poop, shut up and manners. Poop fell out the window and manners went out to help him up. Shut up went to the nearest police station to get help. The police asked him what his name was. He said shut up. The police said where are your manners boy? Shut up said he is outside picking up poop.

 

I love the laughter of children.

...Unless the power is out and I'm home alone in the dark....

 

Get shot FOR SCIENCE!!
Get burned FOR SCIENCE!!
(I let you guys guess the last one)
Get Freezed...

Spoiler: Answer

...FOR HUMAN ICE CREAM!!
What did you expect? Science? Yeh, this one sucks btw.

And Second one.

A man and his wife are sitting in a car listenning to radio.
Radio: "Be careful! On the Pirate (yes, Pirate) highway that goes to north, there is one idiot that goes the Opposite direction."

Wife: This is our highway! Be careful of this one idiot!
Man: There are LOTS of these idiots that go the opposite direction!

Spoiler: For these who don't get it

The man is this one Idiot that goes in the wrong direction

 

what did both ducks say

QYaCK ( I spelt that wrong awww shit )

 

Best one ever

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey!

my jokes are horrible ;n;

 

No he said:

Please... donate money, Im starviiing!
(Cuz he said f**k you to his boss and left doing piracy but failed completely. He lost his ship and now his homeless.)

 

Lol I found a site where so many jokes in this thread are coming from xD I won't post the link because that's advertising.
Now my joke:

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

EDIT:
(I don't think all blondes are stupid etc. this was just the joke)

Two idiots fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

 

LOL

 

Why does the stupid stand in a corner of the room?

Spoiler: Answer

The stupid thinks it's a corner from 90 degrees. (Sounds better in Dutch...)

 

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets Toad away.