An Open Message To My Sadness

This has been my feelings lately. Lately I have been complaining and sobbing in the shout box about what's happening.
But here's my message to the sadness and rage in my mind that has haunted me this year.
Do not start drama.
Do not start hate.
I just want to show my strength and my feelings.

Dear my sadness.
I remember the time when you started to haunt me when I started high school.
I thought I locked you away at the very back of my mind in a cage made of confidence and pride.
But you managed to leak through the opening and control my brain and let tears be released.
It was the day after I got my first phone when you first escaped.
I remember the smile I had, waiting to spread the news.
But I remember the exact words.
"We don't like your attitude." They'd say.
"You keep following us." They'd sigh.
"We don't want you to hang out with us anymore." They'd hiss.
I could still remember the sound of my stomp as I marched away from them, holding my tears in.
Then I found a new group. I thought I killed my sadness.
But it returned after my group started to bully me.
"Twelvies don't swear." They'd point.
"Don't be so childish." They'd laugh.
They'd slam my laptop shut, refusing me to work.
They'd giggle and point and then walk away.
Then a girl came to me.
"The girls think you're annoying." She would say.
And I would then sob once again.

So I escaped to a new group I knew. I thought my sadness had finally went extinct.
But once again, it found the remaining wound in my heart and once again stabbed my mind.
All of them would leave me to take care of their stuff.
They wouldn't say a word and not return for 20 minutes.
I remember the silent tears dribbling down my face.
Then they'd make excuses when I see them.
"I thought we told you to follow us." They'd try to say.
I remember the smiles they shared only to each other.
"Bye! We love you! See you tomorrow!" They'd cheer to each other.
"I have to go too." I'd also say.
"Oh okay." They'd say.
I remember the bored faces they had whenever I spoke and whenever I left.
So I left them and found a new group.
But once again, sadness struck again like a leap from a lion.
They'd once again leave me, they said "we'll only be 5 minutes."
But I waited for 20 minutes. I walked out and see them on a bench, laughing and chatting.
"Why did you forget me?" I'd cry.
"Why did you leave me?" I'd sob.
"We forgot." They'd say.
When I realised they forgot I existed, I left again.

Slowly, the smiles descended.
Laughter turning to silence as I enter.
Smiles turned to frowns.
I remember the groans. The disappointment in their eyes when I came close.
"Teacher, please let me move seats." They'd say.
"Ahhh, teacher I don't want to sit here... why can't I sit next to..." They'd groan.
"Teacher I don't want to sit here. Why didn't you make me sit next to her?" They'd sigh.
And when they moved, their smile returned, while my frown stayed.
My tears would engulf my feelings.
My mind would feel numb and as weak as a feather.
My fingers would feel cold and useless.
And my body would feel lifeless and empty.
Tears to blood. Movement to stillness.
Love to hate, life to death.

I remembered the voices in my head, pushing me to give up.
'No one loves you.' my mind would whisper.
'Just kill yourself. Everyday's the same.' my mind would hiss.
'You are too weak for life.' my mind would shout.
The voices would keep calling as I sit in class, letting out silent tears.
I remember the feeling of my voice suffocating me, refusing me to talk like there was a lump in my throat while filling up with tears.
"Are you okay?" They would ask.
"What's wrong?" They'd question.
"I'm fine." I'd answer.
"I'm just tired." I'd say.
But my weak voice would still remain.

But I am not weak.
I will not continue to stay in the infinite abyss.
You cannot control me.
You are just the shadow, not the body.
I am strong.
I will stand.
I will shout.
I will not give in.
You cannot keep cutting my hand or slit my wrist.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not alone.
I have little strength, but that's all I need.
You are just the whispers in my mind, not the shouts around me.

I know you will still remain.
I know you may still haunt me.
I know you may let me still let out my tears.
But I will never let you destroy my heart, my mind and the ones that love me.
I am strength, not sadness.

I hope this can also bring strength to others feeling the same way.
Staff, please do not delete this thread as it means a lot to me. I just want to let others know what's been happening. I don't want anymore people to worry about me. If the comments below do cause drama or any wars, then you may lock this thread. But please do not delete this thread as I put so much thought and love into this, hoping this can bring hope to many people was experiencing my situation. Without this message, I'd feel like I don't have a voice anymore. So please, if this thread bothers you then just ignore it. It may have a huge impact on other people. I want to be strong, please do not be against it. I've already helped many people due to this thread, making hen also show their voice and strength. I want all to not hide anymore. So please, let everyone and I show their voice.
Thank you for reading this.

Edit: Added some new sentences to this just to really express how I'm feeling inside so you can understand how I really feel.

 

"It may be stormy now, but it never rains forever."
Stay strong, and people care about you.

 

I've been at this stage of my life before and my family members say that it won't last forever and it was a promise.
Stay strong, people are still supporting you and we will keep supporting you through the tough times.

 

Louise, it honestly broke my heart to read this.
All I can say is stay strong and it will get better.
I've been through it myself.
Keep your head up, they're not worth your tears.

 

Louise, stay strong. People mostly bully to entertain themselves. Do not listen to them. You are something special, and people should not let you down. We are all here for you. If you ever need to talk, we are here. You have friends, and if people tell you to kill yourself, do not listen to them. They are just stupid people that want to act cool. They basically aren't since bullying is something many people already committed suicide.
Keep in mind that this community is here for you. We are here. If you ever need to talk, I'd be free to talk to, or anyone else. Don't let them let you down, stay strong. You are a great person.
-Brake

 

Damn this hit me hard. Nobody should ever have to go through this. Never ever. And if you are reading this it always gets better, it really does

 

Stay strong, please.

 

It really sucks that you have to go through all this. I know how it feels, but please, never give up.
We all care about you so much. I know it's hard to ignore the people who leave you, but they're wrong.
You're talented and caring. And I know you need someone at school, but at least for now, we'll be here for you if you need us.
I promise it will get better. And even if you continue to be bullied, we (your friends on the forums and Minecraft) will keep being here for you.

 

Happened to me in fifth grade, Grew up with a group of friends who was like family to me, then they just dropped me like an anvil. I was crushed.
But things get better.

 

Depression is something no one should ever have the misfortune of getting. We care deeply about you louise and it makes me sad that you are going through this. :(

Stay strong my friend, you will get through this.

 

How I feel a lot of the time, but I found ways to overcome it. Usually being with people who make you feel happy and that appreciate you is key to happiness. I hope you are okay, if you are not you can always talk to me even though we haven't spoken. <3

 

Oh my God.
I keep reading this over and over.
I went through bad bullying..
But now, they've stopped and my life has started again.
At one point, I was suicidal.
I'm not anymore, just remember to keep strong, storms pass. :)

 

I'm shocked by all this support.
I'm stunned by this comfort.
If only if all of you could be with me to wipe away my tears or turn my frowns to smiles.
Thank you all for bringing strength to me.
But the tears will continue. The road to happiness is long, but I will soon make it.

I have added an extra paragraph to my message about what has just happened lately and is slowly making the tears return, but I'm not giving in just yet.
I'm becoming more confident to use my voice now, but sometimes it gets punished. Hopefully, this voice doesn't get punished.
Thank you.

 

We're all here for you.
Even if I don't know you, I'm here to help.
No one should undergo bullying in such a way, but sadly it happens all the time.

There's this quote, from a song, that I practically live by,
'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
And that is true..
Also, if you're feeling down,
Then I recommend reading this text..
It always brings my hopes up, and makes me feel more strong..

We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson, Ulysses

You might not like the text, but it really helps me.
Stay strong. :)

 

Today, I read The Box Man, by Barbara Ascher. It depicts a poor man who collects boxes. The essay then goes on to describe how other people are lonely whereas the Box Man is happy in his solitude. I quite enjoyed this story. I recommend you read it. Although it may not help you in your current situation, my thinking is that you can use it to turn your disadvantage into an advantage. The main theme is Solitude vs. Loneliness. Solitude is being alone by chose. Loneliness is the condition of being alone. You can chose to be alone. The essay points out that if you choose to be alone then you will not succumb to Loneliness.

Nonetheless, what you're going through sucks. Life sucks in general. It's the positive things or goals we have that keep us moving forward. The negativity surrounds us all, some more than others. As my mother told me, "There's always a light at the end of the tunnel." Children are evil; that's normal. Ignoring them doesn't simply mean just taking it. Ignoring them means you completely disregard them. Anything they can and will say means nothing. They will be the drop outs and people who struggle with their jobs. Humans are a resourceful species. We can adapt and find new ways around problems, hence why I told you about The Box Man. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and their words won't kill you because you're smart. Smart people think about the future and the end game. The future is what matters because the future becomes your reality.

 

Louise, I always respected you. I thought you were a stong girl.
Guess what...
I was wrong.
You are the strongest girl I've ever seen.
The way you write your stories though...
Send them to a publicer!
They will probably do something with it!
Stay strong girl, and keep smiling.
If you didn't start smiling yet... have you heard about the Alolan Exeggutor?
If not:

Spoiler: Please... Pokemon is awesome

 

Usually I disresgard threads like this, however, this is beautifully written. Respectable.