Follow-up

hi

Alright, so.
http://itsjerryandharry.com/threads/my-decision.90748/
That's a link to my most recent thread about how I've been feeling, and I think I said most of my feelings in a great way. I left out one thing about the staff part, which I want to talk about. I'll put it in a spoiler for those who don't really care, and are only looking for 'interesting' stuff to read about.

Spoiler: If you're going to read this, make sure you read my earlier thread

I'm going to act as I'm putting this in the thread itself, so I'm going to copy and add the sections I want to talk about. The stuff I added is in the bold.

That brings me to another thought.
Staff.
I'm going to be honest, I have an open application. I felt like most of you know, for some reasons I will not state. I'm conflicted.
The only reason I came back to this place was because I wanted staff. I wanted that rank. I wanted to be noticed.
It changed me. It forced me to want to grow up, so it could look like I was a proper applicant. The whole thing, changed me. It basically forced me to go along with the best decision, and state what I did not believe. I was fake.
I wanted to be staff so bad, that I would do anything to look like the average member of this forum, who everyone thinks they deserve that rank. I don't even know what I was thinking. I was persuaded in a mental way, back then.
There's another thing. I feel like throughout this journey, I went through a lot of things. And I learned. To go on with what I said above about why I applied in the first place, it wasn't for a good reason. You can probably tell, I wanted the rank for the popularity and fame, mostly. I now know that's a bad reason to want to get something. I no longer want people to respect me for a little rank. I want people to respect me for who I am, not because I have a rank. I don't want people judging me in a good way because I look to be "better" than them. I don't care about that anymore, I once did, but now I don't. If you have to act friendly/praise me/try to become my friend/etc because I have a special rank, then you should know that I would ignore the crap out of you. I know, it's hard to tell who does this or not, but still. I want people to like me for who I am, not because of what I may be labeled as. It's not just limited to my staff app, if I get it. Doubt it honestly. It's for many things, I was treated like a savior on Creative1 once I got my rank. At that time, I had premium, and people didn't even know who I was. They praised me because I had a special rank on a server. I don't want that. I feel like my story relates to most people. All the time I see people doing what I did. Trying to go along with the flow, and keep doing this stuff to just get staff. It's not about the rank. You don't need a gosh dang rank to help people, now that I realize it. If you wanted to help people, then there are many easier ways to do so.
I see people look fake, act fake, and I think that it's all about the rank. A little rank, on a minecraft related forum. It's crazy when I think about it, right now.


This doesn't mean that I'm leaving, it doesn't. Curing an addiction takes time, and I will slowly grow out of this. That won't be anytime soon, if I'm correct, so expect to see me here more. I am half and half about closing my application, because I want to put this behind me. I'm most likely not going to close it, because that could fuel my addiction, thinking about what would have happened if I left it open/etc/etc. You get it. But, I still need to think. I'm not going to say I'm sorry if I offended anyone, because you shouldn't be offended by a 14 year old's opinions.

just like the other thread, this one will be immediately locked. basically for the same reasons I stated in the previous thread. Also, I want you all to know. Aside from what I wrote, I'm feeling a lot better. I know that there will be days when I just want to be alone, no doubt about that. But for right now, I'm just glad to be here. Again, thank you all.