Confession/Clear things up thread.

Alright. Some people here probably don't even know I'm still here, but hell with it.

No, I'm not trying to follow the trend (If there is or was one) of confessing things, but I sort of want to clear things up.

Some people see me act severely differently than what they either used to see or thought they'd see. The first thing I need to confess is, I suffer from a disorder known as "Multi-Personality Disorder." This was proven by a therapist and is written in my documents. I was traumatized at one point and I ended up forming a MPD because of it. When a person has a MPD, they have no control over how they act or who they are or whatnot. In my case, you will see me as either:

• Happy, high, weird and stuff.

For this one, it is when I tend to laugh and talk as if I were drunk or on drugs or something. It is also when I tend to type a bit differently and have a rather unusual way of speaking/typing. This doesn't happen TOO often, but it's still there and I have to acknowledge the fact that it is there.

• Dark, emo, serious, and depressing.

This is probably the most common one/my everyday one. This is the one of which you see me act like every day. I don't like to smile often, I don't laugh often, and I tend to have a sarcastic voice. Here, I am just "Screw everyone's opinion. I'll be who I want to be." Sometimes, the normal me tends to bring down the mood, and otherwise, people just look at me as another person, since most of you (I would think) have gotten used to me being this way. But otherwise, there's no difference to me (That you know of) here than the one you used to know.

• Gentlemanly, formal, etc.

This one is somewhat uncommon, but not rare. This is the one that causes me to be very polite and such, making me a very likeable person. Here, I will use language such as "Many thanks," "My apologies," and whatnot. I will also have no signs of emotion... Meaning, I'm not happy, but I'm not sad either. I guess this is somewhat serious on my end, but otherwise, this is a rather normal attitude.

• Psychopathic and insane.

This is meh. I can't exactly say it is common, but I can't say it is uncommon either. Here, it is virtually impossible for me to show that I am undergoing a phase of insanity or something, because you know... It's impossible to show you're insane just by words. I mean, some people can tell if I am in this part of my MPD (If that makes sense) by voice. My laughter gets a little bit maniacal, and I tend to talk a bit faster. It's really easy to tell if this is my situation in reality though. Just as a side note, I am also documented to be clinically insane.

While I'm at it, there are people who unfortunately experienced my... unpleasant side of my personalities, and I would like to sincerely apologize to the people that experienced that side of me. I would like to also apologize to anyone in advanced for seeing an unpleasant side of me, as I promise you, I do not mean it.

That's just one part of my confession. Another one would be, the reason I act like the way I do.

Alright, in this one, I need to start off with this statement. Most people think that my dark and edgy side is all an act for attention. For one thing, I want y'all to know I despise attention. No, that doesn't mean I want to be ignored, but I don't want to be like in the situation of which it is like "Oh hey it's you, get your ass over here and play this and this with me," or whatever.

ANYWAYS, onto the reason I am like this. I am going to get a bit deep here, so just ignore the rest of it if you don't want to hear part of my life story... Ish...

Alright, as I grew up, I have had a very... Unhappy life (Or at least on my end). Despite the fact that I was spoiled in the sense that I'd get what I want (Most of the time), I wasn't happy. What was that saying? "You can have all the things in the world, but you can never be happy just because of those material possessions," or something... That was actually my case scenario. I got a lot of the things I wanted, but I barely received attention from my parents. And when I did, in most cases, it's in a negative fashion. No, I'm not a stereotypical Asian who gets whipped because of bad grades. (That's just stereotypically racist). I have to undergo severely strict restrictions and stuff. Most of my grades have to be 95+ or else they'd be considered a failing grade, I have to be perfect in what I do (IN the sense that I do really good in such as music or archery), etc. Furthermore, I had to learn how to defend myself against anyone. No, it's not that I don't want to learn to defend myself... It's more of how I learned to defend myself. My parents sent me to a school (Not public/private educational schools. It's like an extracurricular school) of which most... Assassins would train at or so to speak. There, they showed no mercy when they told me to defend and attack. If I were defending, they would come at me with wooden (sometimes and rarely metal) weapons, of which I still have markings of to this day, and unless I blocked them, it would hurt like hell. And if I attacked, I would have to use full strength since they would have to defend and fight back at the same time. There, I was taught not to show emotions when fighting, as that will give away your intentions, or so they say. That's where my "Emotionless," side comes from.

As for the hateful/loner side of me, it came from school itself. I was an outcast. People despised me and hated me for who I was. Some people call me an "Emo Satanist," because of the way I act and dress. People would attempt to beat me up (And fail miserably) just because, people would never let me do anything with them, ignore me, etc. I was lonely. I had no friends. The friends I have now are mainly pity friends who are also considered non-popular at the least, not outcasted like me. I had to fend for myself, which is the reason you see me tend to do things on my own in games and such. I had no one to support me, so I felt like I could trust no-one (If it wasn't noticeable at the beginning of my time in this community). I guess that is the reason why I originally didn't "Believe," in the concept of love before. (But that changed ever since I met her.)

To be honest, if it weren't for some people here, I'd probably still be as miserable as I used to be. So, I guess this is somewhat a thank you thing in some ways, but more of a confession thread anyways. The main reason I wanted to make this thread was so some of you could understand me for being the way I am, and for acting the way I act sometimes. Well, that's all I have to say. Hope you guys understand me from hereon out, and I hope you'll forgive me for some of my actions before... And thanks for letting me confess to you guys (about my life I guess?) without (hopefully) getting any hate comments or anything...

And last thing, sorry if it seemed like I was getting too deep or something. Some of you probably don't care for the matter of fact. But I had to let you guys know why I act the way I act or stuff sometimes. So yeah, once again, thanks for letting me confess and open up to you guys.

 

Well then, its always hard to express important topics like this, especially about yourself. I don't know you too much, but I could understand what it may feel like.

 

Yeah. I tried to keep myself a mystery around these forums. I don't personally like having personal information online as it can leak to other people and possibly leading to identity theft. But this doesn't really have to do with identity theft, as it wouldn't matter how you act and stuff. But thanks for even acknowledging this.

 

I respect you for being so brave and sharing this with us.
I haven't seen a bad side of you, and I've always seen the "gentlemanly and polite" side of you when I did.
Though I haven't had a chance to know you better yet, but I somewhat understand about how you felt.
Thanks for sharing this.

 

Don't worry Shadow. I'm sure no one was effected by your temporary outburst, and if so (doubt it), then I'm sure they've put it behind them and forgive you with open arms :).

I also hope that letting these things out brings you some relief :).

 

Trust me, this did bring out a lot of relief, and it did bring out a lot of weight off my chest. I've been keeping this bottled up in me for a long time and kept it away from all of you because I was worried you'd have a completely new/different viewpoint of me if I told you earlier in my time here on the forums. Thank you though.

 

That's good to hear. And never worry about being viewed differently from this. The community is very accepting, one of the few things that make it special :).

Even if someone was to view you differently from this, I don't think it'd be in a bad way, but instead with a better understanding of your situation and they may even try to help you through it :).

 

Shadow you have nothing to worry about or apologize for. I barely know you but when I see you on the server you are kind and mature unlike others who are crazy.

In all honesty you are one of my most favorite people on the server

 

Thank you. It means a lot to know you have said such a thing about me.

 

Shadow, I have a lot of respect for you and I hope you know that. I think it was noble to share this with the community. I sincerely hope that this wasn't uncomfortable or pressured on your part. I could never say my disorders for everyone to read. I would feel very pressured, uncomfortable, and vulnerable to the community. Not that you will be vulnerable and respected differently, but that is how my emotions may feel. If this thread was something you dreaded on doing, or didn't want to do, I hope you know that I am and others are okay with you taking it down.
If you feel comfortable with this in all ways, then that's fine. We care about you here. Yes some people can be assholes, but people like me and many others actually care about your well-being. Sorry to sound 'sappy' and sympathetic, I know you sometimes you don't like that, but I just wanted to share how I feel with you.

 

You don't need to confess. You are great either way for me.

 

We have a common thing
We both have a disorder, but confessing it brings a relief even though it's still happening the confession lowers the chances

That, was my wisest words ever

 

I respect you more than I ever did before, Shadow. It takes pure guts to confess to something like this, so nice job man!

And I somewhat understand, the fact that my parents don't seem to notice anything is what is holding me back.