If you didn't know I think the clear choice fit to be president is... <drumroll please> Vermin Supreme If you didn't know Vermin Supreme is the BEST presidential candidate. You love ponies! Well, he will give everyone a FREE pony and we will have a pony-based economy! He will study time travel to go back and kill baby Hitler. He's the only candidate to think of doing that! He will require you to brush your teeth! No smelly breath anymore! And he has a zombie preparedness list. Here it is: 1. Brush your teeth. 2. Get on your pony. 3. If you don’t have a pony, you are breaking Pony Identification Program Statute 1008.01.A and you will die at this step. 4. Ride for high ground. 5. Do NOT punch zombies in the face. 6. DO pony-kick zombies in the face. 7. Try not to kill the zombies -- they are a valuable natural resource. 8. When you reach high ground assess the situation. 9. Gather allies. 10. Create a Defensive Pony Circle (DPC), pony heads facing in. Zombies cannot get past the kicking. 11. Pool the group’s weapons. You should have a gun, a good cutting blade and at least a dozen toothbrushes. 12. Do NOT fire the gun. This will startle the ponies and break the DPC. 13. Locate the closest Supreme Zombie Turbine. It should be the tallest visible building, with a boot on top, no more than a mile away. 14. You should be surrounded by hundreds of zombies by now. This is good: more energy for the turbines. 15. Pet the ponies. 16. Discuss whether you prefer “28 Days Later” or “The Walking Dead” VERY LOUDLY to draw more zombies. 17. Taunt the zombies by pointing to your brain, moving it toward them, and then pulling it away at the last moment. 18. Tell the zombies “I’ve always liked vampires more anyway.” 19. By now there should be thousands of raging zombies clustered around your DPC. It is almost time to act. 20. Pet the ponies. 21. Say things like, “You are a good pony. You are a pretty pony.” 22. The loving bond between you and your pony should have further enraged the zombies. NOW is time to act. 23. Secretly you should have been digging a hole since step ten. It was so secret is could not be written then. Get in the hole. 24. Tunnel in the direction of the turbine, which has an underground entrance for your convenience. 25. The tunnel should be no more than two ponies wide. 26. When the tunnel is long enough, bring the ponies into the tunnel. Now they can rest, rotating kicking duties, two at a time. 27. Slowly work your way down the tunnel, with the zombies following, ready to work the turbine. 28. Make torches out of sticks and I-Pod cords wrapped around dried pony dung. 29. Keep digging, taking time to dig vents along the way. 30. As you near the turbine, you should find a cache filled with oats and a GPS device. 31. Feed your ponies the oats. 32. Use the GPS device to properly align your tunnel to the turbine entrance. 33. When you reach the red, white and blue dirt, you’ve made it. Dig through the red, white and blue wall to reach the turbine. 34. TOTAL DISASTER. ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE. THE TURBINE IS OVERRUN. 35. Be calm. 36. Being calm failed. Someone fired the gun. 37. The ponies have gone mad. The ponies cannot help you. 38. You watch the man next to you have his brain eaten by two male and two female zombies, a double date. 39. Your pony is strong with oats. He gallops to your side out of the ocean of death. 40. Get on your pony. 41. Zombies everywhere. Half of your party has fallen. You must fight to work the turbine. Pet your pony. 42. The woman with the blade is having her neck eaten by a child zombie. Go for the blade. 43. You cannot reach the blade while riding your pony. Get off your pony.44. You are swallowed by a wave of zombies. 45. Your pony flies into a berserker rage -- a powerful love swelling his heart -- ramming the zombies against the rotor of the turbine. 46. Your pony is dragged down and eaten by the horde. Do not let your pony’s sacrifice be in vain. Grab the blade. 47. The woman at your feet is already dead. Cut out her brain. It may be your only hope. 48. HER BRAIN IS GONE. 49. Only one other person is still alive, a girl in a dress fighting off two zombies with a tennis racquet. Run to help her 50. The child zombie blocks your path. You know that one time that one guy showed you the Karate Kid crane-kick? Do that kick now. 51. It worked. Help the other lone survivor. 52. You slash the zombies’ Achilles tendons; they flop to the floor like fish. 53. The girl says, “I never thought it would end like this.” 54. You say, “I will not let it end like this.“ 55. The zombies are just finishing dinner. Make for the rotor blade. 56. Boost the girl onto the metal platform above the rotor blade, just above their reach. 57. She is trying to pull you up but the zombies have you. There are too many of them. 58. Cut off your own head. 59. The girl hooks your head to a chain dangling in front of the horde. They stumble after it, powering the turbine. 60. The girl climbs to the top of the tower and can see boots turning for 100 miles around: America’s Energy Future is secure. 61. Congratulations, you are now an American Hero! 62. Brush your teeth, in Heaven.
