CarrotO's Review on Everything Star Wars (Excluding non-canon material)

With the release of The Force Awakens and my need to stay topical, I've decided that video game reviews can wait. This time around, I'm doing a review of every bit of canon Star Wars material, starting with the abysmal failure of...


Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The hype for this movie was extreme, extremely extremely extreme, and I can see why. The trailer was pretty good, and it didn't showcase much Jar Jar, but then came the the release and... it was awful. With the two exceptions of Liam Neeson as Qui Gon Jinn and Darth Maul in general, the movie had no redeeming factors. The comedy was awful, the CGI was awful, and don't even get me started on the acting. I'd give it a 3/10.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

So, the hate had died down a bit, and George Lucas had a chance to turn over a new leaf. What did he do though? He took that new leaf and flushed it down the toilet. Attack of the Clones was the arguably worse sequel to The Phantom Menace, the movie which you probably remember for being... well.... terrible. The love story was forced, but hey, still a better love story than Twi-, actually no. Twilight had a better love story than this, and that's saying a lot. The CGI was once again terrible, and unlike The Phantom Menace, the only redeeming quality for me would be Jango Fett. Damn that dude looks badass. I'd give it a 2/10.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

After the two catastrophes of the first two prequels, George Lucas had one more chance to make things right, and what did he do with that chance? Ehh, Revenge of the Sith was leaps and bounds better than The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, but it was still mediocre. Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid were great, the two end battles were completely badass, Order 66 was sad, but that's really it. I'd give it a 5/10.

The Clone Wars Feature Film

When I started watching, I had low expectations. When I finished watching, I felt like jumping off a bridge. This movie is atrocious, and I hesitate to even call it a movie, since it's just four episodes of the TV show mashed together into one big steaming pile of awfulness. This is the only Star Wars movie that made me cringe so hard that it almost made me swear off Star Wars for good. It has terrible voice acting, choppy animation, and cringe-worthy story and characters. Fuck you Clone Wars Feature Film, fuck you. I'd give it a 0/10.

Clone Wars TV Show

So you saw my opinion on the infinitely terrible Clone Wars feature film, so what do I think of the show? I actually think it's pretty good. Definitely not on the level of the original trilogy or anything like that, but not awful. Granted, it does have some awful episodes, some of which made me cringe almost as much as the feature film did. But for every piece of shit, there's something reasonably good, a piece la resistance. The animation, voice acting, characters, and story definitely improve over the course of the show, and I definitely enjoyed at least the last three seasons. I'd give it a 7/10.

Star Wars: Rebels

Star Wars: Rebels is in my opinion inferior to the Clone Wars TV show, but only slightly. It starts off godawful, then ascends to something definitely better than any of the prequels. The animation is a bit low quality, and it sometimes has the heroes perform impossible feats with no explanation, but I enjoyed it, and that means I don't give a fuck what people think of it. I'd give it a 6.8/10.

Episode IV: A New Hope

Finally, we're at the really amazing stuff. Star Wars: A New Hope is amazing. The acting, despite the occasional cheesy line, is top notch, the characters are believable, and the plot is much better explained than in the awful prequels. I'd give it a 9/10

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

While A New Hope was great, The Empire Strikes back was near flawless. Once again, the characters are believable, the acting is top notch, and the plot is much better explained than in the awful prequels. Also Boba Fett. I'd give it a 10/10.

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

While The Empire Strikes Back improved upon A New Hope, Return of the Jedi arguably takes a step down from both it's predecessors. Don't get me wrong, it's a great movie, just not Empire Strikes Back great. I'd give it a 8/10, because fuck the Ewoks.

Episode VII: The Force Awakens

When this movie was initially revealed, people thought it would be awful, and boy were they wrong. The acting is even better than in the originals, the practical and CGI effects are great, and the fights don't feel like a dance choreography like the fights in the prequels did. I'd give it a 10/10.

 

The only things I personally disagree/think otherwise is

-Episode 2 should of gotten like a 4/10 except for the 2/10. The Geonosis scene and the light sabre fights are my opinion the best parts of the movie
-Star wars rebels does have great scenes, but it's too child friendly. Star wars isn't really meant to be child friendly, so I'd personally give it a lower score

Other then those things, I basically completely agree with your ratings/thoughts.

 

Christiansen Hayden should automatically give Ep.2 a 0/10. Ep. 5 did deserve the 10/10, going as far to cover the major plot twist of the film during filming.

Spoiler

Only George Lucas, other top producers, James Earl Jones and Mark Hamill knew of the father-son plot twist during shooting, so that the secret wouldn't get out. When shooting the film, the body actor for Darth Vader, David Prowse, didn't even know about it, and said something along the lines of, "Luke, Obi-Wan killed your father." This is the instance of one of the best kept secrets during filming a movie, this is dedication right there. More on this: http://www.cracked.com/article_20211_5-awesome-ways-famous-plot-twists-were-kept-secret.html

 

He wasn't at his best in episode 2, but you gotta give him props for episode 3. It really felt like he was turning evil irl (not movie)

 

I don't know what's up with everyone and they hate the prequels. I enjoyed watching every single one of them. And in my opinion, Revenge of the Sith is onr of the best movies I have ever seen (mainly because ani is bae but anyway)

 

People have a right to hate them just as you have a right to like them.

 

Wtf?!
The prequels were good too?! Simply because the CGI was "terrible" doesn't make the entire movie go down. The originals, yeah I agree. These were great.

But the seventh, oh boy, you're wrong. The entire story was copied from episode 4. The actors were awful (except for Ford and Daisy (Rey)). Zero new ideas (Yeah, the Death Star became bigger. OMG, THATS SO ORIGINAL). Kylo Ren. God, he was my worst disappointment about it. Yes, his character is interesting, but the way he is performed by Driver is awful. The only thing that kept the movie floating is it being wrapped up as "Star Wars" and CGI.

The TV series.
I don't watch those so I don't give a shit.

In short, I don't agree with you saying that the prequels were bad and that the 7th episode has 10/10. Seriously, the movie doesn't have a morale and philosophy as the previous movies did. They simply turned it into a "Bang-Bang" and I hate it.

 

It's quite the opposite for the prequels, the CGI and stuff were pretty good, and saved the prequels from its flaws. If it weren't for the CGI battles in Episode 2, it would've gotten a 0. Hayden Christiansen is hands down the WORST actor in the Star Wars movies, or at least for Episode 2. The "love story" in Episode 2 was just horrible. At least Christiansen improved in Episode 3. I hated Episode 2, 1 and 3 were decent. As for Episode 7, JJ himself stated they were going along the lines of A New Hope, because they didn't want to stray too far from what Star Wars was. It was a decent movie, not bad, I did enjoy it, however I did feel like it didn't have the "Star Wars feel" like the previous movies did. It deserves an 8/10.

 

Welp, I'm bored. I'm going to do another random review.
Clone Wars (2003)

The Star Wars: Clone Wars micro series was great. I really enjoyed it, and it was fun to watch. It had its issues, but it was still something that I didn't forget 10 minutes after watching. What's that? You have no idea what this even is? Well I don't give a shit, look it up yourself. But seriously, nobody knows about this. The most I found here was some dumbass calling it pig manure. While that guy was most likely doing it just to troll, it was still a stupid thing to say. If you haven't seen this, I'd definitely recommend you do so


I'd give it a solid 7/10.

 

Rating a movie based on the effects is just stupid.

Revenge of the sith was a really good movie. Told us more about the Obi-Anakin story, and that was the whole point.

Also, it seems to me you're rating the movies based on the hype involved.

I liked the episode 7, but in it's core, it was really just a copy of the episode 4.
Ofc it had the best effects and acting, just look how much money was invested in that one compared to the others.

And idk how old you are, but back in that time, those effects were not that bad at all. You cant rly compare them to the 2015 ones.

 

I may have phrased that wrong. My main problem wasn't with the effects themselves, but with the overuse of them and the complete removal of practical effects. Oh, and I'm fine with the Obi-Anakin story, but the way it was done was horrendous. I'm not going to be one of those whiners who say Lucas ruined their childhood, but even for their time, the effects were still pretty bad.