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Act Two INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - WAITING ROOM OLD MAN I call my song “My Funny Valentine”. Heh heh! MIKE Hey, well, I think there already is a song called “My Funny Valentine”. OLD MAN Shh! Do you want to ruin everything?! BERNIE CLASS You’re next. INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - BERNIE’S OFFICE BERNIE CLASS You didn’t come here to exchange pleasantries, Nipsmouth. MIKE Nesmith. BERNIE CLASS What can High Class Music do for you? MIKE Uh, well, uh, mister, uh— BERNIE CLASS Class. MIKE Oh, you’re High Class? BERNIE CLASS No, no, no, I’m Bernie. My brother’s the one who started the business. MIKE Oh, he’s High Class. BERNIE CLASS No, his name is Irving. MIKE Irving? Well, then how come it’s called High Class Music Publishing Company? BERNIE CLASS Would you come to an Irving Class Music Publishing Company? MIKE Oh. Well, I have this song here. It’s called “I’m Gonna Buy Me a Dog”. BERNIE CLASS Oh, a ballad. MIKE No, not exactly. BERNIE CLASS [Reading] “I’m gonna buy me a dog ’cause I need a friend now. I’m gonna buy me a dog ’cause I need a friend now. I tried… I’m gonna buy me a… ???” MIKE You don’t like it. BERNIE CLASS No, I don’t like it… I love it! MIKE You do?! BERNIE CLASS And you know what else, Nesbin? I’m gonna see that your song gets the Joanie Jans! It’s beautiful, beautiful! [sings] “I’m gonna buy me a song—I’m gonna buy me a dog!” MIKE No… [sings] “I’m gonna buy me a dog”—Joanie Jans?! She’s the hottest thing in show business! BERNIE CLASS Joanie Jans, in my opinion, is the finest living or dead singer alive today. MIKE You really think she’d dig it? BERNIE CLASS Do I think she’d—do I think she’d—? You just get me a hundred dollars for legal fees and incidentals, and you got it made, sweetheart! MIKE Oh, a hundred dollars, man, I’m, I’m sorry… BERNIE CLASS Nestleroad, you’ve gotta have some ambition! How old are you? MIKE Twenty-one. BERNIE CLASS When I was your age, I was twenty-two! MIKE Okay, look, I’ll get the money somehow. BERNIE CLASS Good, and remember, someday, you’ll be passing a theater marquee, and there you’ll see it, in neon letters, ten feet high, your name: Mike Nashburt! MIKE Nesmith! INT. HIGH CLASS MUSIC PUBLISHERS - WAITING ROOM MIKE Hello, Micky? It’s Mike. Yeah, listen, I’m at the music publishers. He said it’s great, man, he’s gonna send it to Joanie Jans. I can’t talk now, goodbye. Hello, Ma? This is Mike. Yeah, look, I’m at a music publishers, and he said that my song was great, and he’s gonna give it to a big star. Look, I can’t talk now, goodbye. Hello, Mr. Conway? This is Mike Nesmith… ah, no, Mike Nesmith… Nesmith… yeah. Well, you probably don’t remember, we, we met on a bus about five years ago. Yeah, well, look, I’m at a music publishers, and he just heard a song I wrote, and he says it’s the greatest thing he ever heard in his life, and he’s gonna give it to Joanie Jans and… INT. THE PAD MICKY Well, if your song’s gonna be in a Joanie Jans movie, it’s gonna make you rich. DAVY Hey, man, will you remember us when you’re rich and famous? MIKE Aw, you know I will, Danny. DAVY Davy! PETER Hm, Mike’s gonna be rich! Ah! [“Gonna Buy Me a Dog” music romp] Ah white text