Grandaddy Smeg's Book of Stories

Thank you to everyone who likes these, I never thought I was that good before. I've been working on longer, more detailed versions of fairy tales to collect into a legitimate book in real life.

Also, it'd be great if you'd suggest stories, so as to make my life easier :p

 

Do "Cinderella"

 

So fabulous xD

 

More please!

 

Spoiler: Cinderella Part One

"Cinderella"


Once upon a time, there was a kingdom known as Weavesalot. In Weavesalot, it was tradition to buy your daughter a fly new weave for her sixteenth birthday. Everybody in Weavesalot was filthy rich, and could easily afford to waste their money on this instead of feeding the poor, or cleaning up the environment. Those are not big priorities, and could wait.

***

There was a man in the richest part of the kingdom, but sadly his wife died from a horrible disease. Doctors back then were accused of witchcraft and were persecuted, so she couldn’t be cured. He was not fazed by this, as he had various drugs to take his mind off of it, but his daughter did not. Asdflkjhdaieuwella, or "Ella" for short, was a beautiful little girl with bushy ginger hair and diamond blue eyes. She was torn up by the loss of her mother, and was also sad that they would lose their money. Their money had come from her mother's parents. They both hated the man their daughter married, and stopped sending monthly checks. Ella and her father were soon-to-be-hobos. It wasn’t something they looked forward to.

One day, this fact finally dawned on the father and he asked Ella if she had any suggestions on how to get money. "Why not just marry another rich woman and be a gold-digger for the rest of your life, daddy?" she replied.

The Father at first chuckled, as no-one would listen to an idea from someone who didn't know the birds and the bees. Then he paused, and a moment after, he picked up his brilliant little girl and danced about merrily, as this was a splendid idea.

***

So the man went to Match.com and found a lovely woman with two daughters. They were wed, and everything was happy and perfect at the beginning. As it turned out, though, this woman was a gold-digger herself. She was hoping to kill the man and get his money. After sneaking a peek at his will, though, she saw that this cash was to go to Ella only. This angered her, but instead of killing her off she decided to just make her life a living Hell and make her beg for death (at which point she would kill her).

Ella was made a slave in her own home, as well as to wear a sexy (yet degrading) French maid's outfit. The Father had no problem with this, as he was too high to care. She had to scrub the floors, cook the food, clean everything, do all laundry, hold back the urge to tell her step sisters how fugly they were(quite hard), and even wash the chamber pots. Chamber pots were these things that you would do your business in before plumbing was invented, it was quite gross. She would snuggle up to the fire every night, as it was the only warmth in her life, and wake up with her gorgeous hair tainted with cinder and ash. This earned her the name "Cinderella". It also earned her Stepmother the name "Queen of all Bitches", in Cinderella's mind.

***

Poor, abused, unlucky Cinderella lived this way for ten years, until she reached the age of sixteen. This meant she was old enough to get her weave, and was very excited. She woke up extra early and got all of her tedious chores done. By the time everybody else was awake, she had breakfast waiting on the table and seemed a bit too cheerful to them. After much vacillation, she chose to share her mind with everyone while eating her waffles. "Daddy, today is my sixteenth birthday, and I would like to ask for my sweet sixteen wea-"

"No." He said.

"Daddy, you didn't let me finish... My sweet sixteen-" She replied sheepishly

"You didn't let me finish. I said no, because we're going out to get your sisters' weaves. They've been waiting weeks for theirs."

"Ha-ha, Cinderella can't get a weave!" The Sisters crowed in their nasal sounding voices.

"Ha-ha, I'm not flat chested," Cinderella responded sounding salty, "and I don't have the intelligence of a tablespoon."

The Stepmother refused to have her little girls insulted. "Go to your room and don't come out until we return!"

"Yes your majesty," Cinderella said with a curtsy. "*cough* BITCH *cough*."

***

Cinderella strode away, trying to hold on to the dignity she had left. When she reached her room (which was really just a cold stone chamber with a fireplace and decorative cobwebs), she sobbed until her eyes were a hot pink color. She was also bored, since her chores were finished already and she had nothing to do. She snuck into her father’s secret drug stash and stole some marijuana. Some habits are hereditary…

Her lame family returned hours later with a loud slam of the door, alerting Cinderella of their presence, and with them they had two paper things. Cinderella recognized them immediately in their golden envelopes. They were invitations to the King's Ball.

The King's Ball was a grand party, lasting three nights, and held by the King of Weavesalot every year on Cinderella's birthday. As a little girl, she thought it was a party for her, and was sad that she was too young to go. All of the fine young ladies were invited in the hopes of finding a bride for Prince Thotsworth, but none were good enough. They were too flat, too gross, or just annoying.

“I don’t suppose you grabbed an invite for me, did you?” Cinderella asked sarcastically.

“NOPE! HA-HA-HA!” The Stepsisters and their mother cried in unison.

“I don’t suppose you grabbed some silicone implants, did you?” Cinderella replied, with special emphasis to her “sisters”.

“That’s it! You’ve insulted Ugga and Lee for the last time!”,the step-mother cried, ”Go to your room and don’t come back out until tomorrow!”

Cinderella had no snarky response to this. She was sobbing softly, and as she walked away she thought of all of the horrible things she’d love to do to her step-relatives.

***

Cinderella continued to remain silent and outspoken until she ascended to her room. Once she reached it, she let out all of her wails and screams as though she were some sort of whale.

She couldn’t decide what she most wanted: To go to the ball, or to be treated humanely by her family. She eyeballed the window of her room and then eyeballed the size of her waist. “I could fit through and end it all, if I wanted to,” She thought. “*dark chuckle* Not like they’d miss me or anything.” Her suicidal thoughts were then interrupted by a puff of magenta smoke and the smell of cheap perfume you would buy from girls on a high school sports team.

Sorry this is late

 

Spoiler: Cinderella Part Two

***

Cinderella coughed up some of the smoke (which tasted like raspberries) as it cleared. It moved away to reveal a dark skinned woman, not much older than her in appearance, standing before her. She was really floating before her, as she had see-through pink wings fluttering about to keep her in the air. She wore a sparkly, skintight, black cocktail dress and a pair of purple pumps, and a pair of little antennae popped out of her forehead beneath her magenta hair.

***

This fairy’s name was Magikeisha, and despite being an attention whore and all around whore, she was arguably the most powerful being in the universe. She used to be a huge bitch back in the day. About a hundred years prior, she cursed a baby just because she wasn’t invited to a party! However, she’d now turned a new leaf.

***

“Gee, she sure is ratchet…” Cinderella thought. She was then greeted with a sharp sting in her neck.

“Gurlll, I can read yo mind. Anybody who call Magikeisha a ratchet ass hoe gets a shock!”

Cinderella then realized that she was not hallucinating from her previous encounter with weed. This was real. “HOLY SHIT THERE’S A FAIRY IN MY ROOM!” She shrieked.

“Yaaas! I am Magikeisha, yo official fairy-god momma. I’m here to grant yo little heart’s desires.” The fairy replied.

“This is ridiculous,” Cinderella said both excited and a bit freaked out, ”Why are you doing this?”

“It’s what yo ass wanted most.” Magikeisha said. “I been watchin’ yo ass since y’all was a baby, waitin’ to grant y’all a wish. It’s my job to help you.”

“Where were you when Ugga and Lee threw me into Mr. Shrek’s swamp and watched as I got butt fuc-“Cinderella asked, but was then cut off by Magikeisha putting a finger to her lips.

“Imma begin now.” She said.

***

Cinderella sat down on the floor and looked into a tiny shattered mirror. She watched as Magikeisha whirled her hands and made her ash tainted hair into a beautiful orange weave worthy of a goddess. She then high fived the fairy, and when she removed her hand her nails had been turned a blue color just a hue lighter than her eyes. Cinderella felt wind on her face and checked her reflection to see faint purple eye shadow and pink lipstick upon her.

“Oooh yaas, I’m almost done!” Magikeisha said with glee.

“I still need a dress.” Cinderella said. As she spoke, she saw little needles whirring around her torso, legs and shoulders. They were weaving pure white threads all around her until it formed a flowy gown on Cinderella. There were cyan trimmings at some parts, and they came with a pair of matching fingerless gloves. She looked down and knew she looked sexy as Hell.

Cinderella was so happy she would’ve left then and there, but then felt herself rise up a little. She felt cold under her feet. A pair of clear, blue tinted glass slippers had just been zapped onto her feet. They were at least two sizes too small, and Cinderella was in immense pain. “Haven’t you any other shoes?” She asked, wheezing from the pain.

She got zapped.

“These shoes are GREAT!” Cinderella said “happily”.

Now that her look was done, she thrust her arms around Magikeisha. Tears of joy ran down her face that messed up her makeup a bit. Through the corner of her eye she saw a shimmery white carriage appear outside. “You be careful, gurl.” Magikeisha said sagely”Y’all had better be back by midnight or else you’ll be ratchet looking again.”

Cinderella thanked her, and leapt out the window to be caught by a magically manifested coachman. She noticed the grey Clydesdale horses all had silver harnesses and turquoise plumes as little head ornaments. The coachman placed her gingerly in the vehicle and shut the door. A whipping crack sounded, and Cinderella was moving. Off to the King’s Fancy Balls! I mean Ball.

Sorry, it was just too long to fit in one post. I understand if you punish me.

 

Spoiler: Cinderella Finale

***

Cinderella arrived at the ball to see palace guards bowing to her. She’d never felt so appreciated in her whole life. She hadn’t walked ten feet before she saw her Stepmother, Stepsisters, and Father being thrown out by the King himself.

“Get those hideous gorillas out of my castle before they attract more of their kin!” He shrieked

By gorillas, of course he meant Ugga and Lee. As they walked out with their heads down, they saw Cinderella. Ugga whispered something to Lee, and Lee whispered something to her mother. “That girl looks so gorgeous! Just look at her fly ass weave!” Cinderella was happy to finally hear something from her sister that wasn’t utter bullshit. Cinderella walked further into the castle. Men and women were dancing everywhere, and by dancing, I mean grinding vigorously to “Anaconda”. Amidst the grinding was the Prince, Thotsworth, and as he heard the slamming doors he saw Cinderella. He threw his current partner to the side and parkoured his way over the other couples, like a boss. He was then face to face with Cinderella.

“Will you be my bae for the night?”

Cinderella gave this some thought. She, like most people, wasn’t too keen to dance with someone named Thotsworth. He had pretty eyes like hers though, so she figured what the Hell.

They danced the night away to classy music like “Anaconda”, “Bang Bang”, “Fancy”, “Black Widow”, and the like. Cinderella was having a grand time, surely better than washing dishes or chamber pots. She was sad to leave when she saw it was 11:30. She had to leave early since she lived a good while away. She strolled out humming merrily to her carriage, and rode back home.

***

The next morning, all Cinderella’s family could think of was how rude the King was to Ugga and Lee, and how beautiful that girl (Cinderella) had looked. “Cinderella, where were you when we came home last night?” the Stepmother inquired her.

Cinderella had to quickly think up an answer, as she wasn’t ready for this.

“I was just crying in my room and cutting myself, like you asked.”

“Oh good!” Said the step-mother, a bit too gleefully.

They put paper bags over the step-sisters’ faces that evening, and hoped they would be allowed to stay this time. It was a three night ball, you see, because three is a cool number.

Magikeisha showed up again, worked her magic on Cinderella, and sent her off all over again. She warned her once more to return by midnight, or else she would look ratchet and poor again.

That night, she arrived fashionably late, which was totes fashionable. She saw her family getting thrown out once more, and tripped them as they passed. Cinderella was allowed to be a dick, since she was unrecognizably dolled up. The clock struck once more, Cinderella left once more, and she liked Thotsworth a bit more.

On the third night, she met up with the prince all over again, and he took her up to his room. He confessed his love to her, and proposed marriage.

“Sorry….but I don’t fancy being Mrs. Thotsworth…” Cinderella said while blushing.

The prince cried in sorrow, and Cinderella tried to comfort him, but he kept trying to touch her in odd places. She had to teach him that no meant no, and as she was about to whip out her pepper spray, she heard a distinct “BONG-

BONG-

BONG” sound. It was the clock! It was midnight! She dropped the Prince on the ground and ran out, not wanting him to see her lowly true form.

He got up and pursued her, and Cinderella whipped out her pepper spray on him. It was important back in these days to carry mace with you everywhere you go. He definitely didn’t catch up again. She was now at the entrance to the castle, but she tripped down the stairs. As she fell, one of her ridiculously uncomfortable shoes came off.

Cinderella ran to her carriage after getting up to her feet, and just as she arrived, the magic wore off.

Her horses became mice, her footmen became lizards, her coachman became a rat, and the carriage itself became a pumpkin.

Her dress, weave, and nail polish all faded away, being erased from her body like pencil on paper. Her shoe, however, remained. This pissed Cinderella off, since they were really uncomfortable. It was like having your foot stuck inside of the trash compactor of the Death Star. She walked home, carrying what was once her carriage with her, hanging her head low.

Meanwhile, Thotsworth overcame his pepper sprayed eyes and found her slipper lying on the stair. He sniffed it, as the Prince had a foot fetish.

“Whoever fits this shoe,” He declared,”Shall be my bride. Or groom. I don’t judge.”

His advisor came out after him.

“Sir, couldn’t we just have the forensics department test the toe print in the shoe and determine a match?”

Thotsoworth hit the advisor, and told him to go die in a hole.

***

Cinderella was not as merry this morning, since she had totally blown her chance to become royalty. She realized she did love the Prince deep down inside her squishy, gooey heart. Her family asked her what was wrong, and then didn’t really do anything to help. They actually hired a fat guy to sit on her just for their amusement. You can rent all kinds of weird things, you know.

Cinderella’s cries for oxygen were interrupted by a knock on the door.


The door was opened by her father, and the prince entered the estate. “I have come in search of my bride.” He said. “I’ve checked everywhere else in the kingdom, and none have fit this shoe, so she or he must be here!” He exclaimed valiantly.

***

Ugga eagerly volunteered to go first. She grabbed the slipper, and contorted and squeezed her little foot in, but it just wouldn’t go in all the way. Her big toe was too, well, big.

She had a solution, though. She’d chop it off! Who needs to walk when they’re a princess? Walking is for peasants and serfs! She grabbed a meat cleaver, and without an ounce of hesitation, chopped it off.

She stood and walked to Thotsworth, swallowing the pain and feeling a twinge of regret. She put on a toothy grin and said “IT FITS!”

“My bae! My bride and princ-Wha?” Thotsworth said, being cut off after seeing the blood gushing out of Ugga’s shoe. It was squirting out like a tiny geyser. “Gurl,” he said “You is so thirsty!” He tossed her aside and yanked off the glass slipper.

***

It was now Lee’s turn. She fit her foot inside perfectly. She was filled with glee at the thought of being a princess. Then she felt pain in the back of her foot.

Her heel seemed to be a tiny bit too large. Never fear! She would take the same approach as her sister had: Slice it off! She took the cleaver and before she could even say “SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS!”, a little wedge of her heel resembling a slice of deli ham was sitting on the floor.

She got up and tried not to think about the searing pain. “IT FITS!” she cried.

“My bae! My bride and princ-Okay. Okay REALLY? Are we really still doing this?” Thotsworth was cut off again by the sight of seeing blood just pouring from Lee’s foot. It looked like a little waterfall behind her foot. “You are a ratchet little thot.” He said, and tossed her away, taking the shoe off of her.

***

Thotsworth was so sad that he was about to cry, which was odd considering that he was at least 21, and therefore a grown ass man. “Have you no other lads or maidens? Preferably maidens, but I don’t judge.” Said the evidently bisexual prince.

“Only one.” Said Cinderella’s Father, who happened to conveniently not be high as a Columbian man in a tree. He removed the morbidly obese man to reveal a purple, withered, and broken looking Cinderella embedded into the floor.

Cinderella hopped up and limped towards Thotsworth. She snatched the shoe out of his hand and slipped it right onto her foot, using her sisters’ blood as lube to make it easier. “IT FITS!” She yelled with joyous tears in her eyes.

“My bae! My true bride and princess!” Thotsworth shrieked excitedly. Cinderella ran to her prince is such haste that the shoe actually broke, sending multiple shards of glass up her foot. “SHIT!” She said furiously. “Can I take these off?”

***

Cinderella and Thotsworth were happily wed a few months later. No, not the next day. Weddings take time and effort to plan, and you have no idea how hard it is. You have to pick a dress, make a guest list, select a cake, have bachelor and bachelorette parties, it’s a lot of freaking work.

After several group therapy sessions, Cinderella was able to forgive her step family for the many years of mental and emotional abuse. She never forgave her father though, seeing as he allowed her little girl to become a slave in her own home, which is quite frankly frowned upon. They never spoke again.

***

As Cinderella walked on crutches(from her cut up foot) into a gaudy pink carriage with words “WE JUS’ GOT HITCHED!” on the back with multiple cans tied to the back, her step sisters and mother stood from a balcony waving goodbye. As they waved, a flock of pigeons swooped down. In a blur of feathers and talons, their eyes were clawed/pecked out of their sockets. Human eyeballs are considered a delicacy to pigeons.

The three wicked females stumbled about for years, having become blind beggars. They ended up walking through every part of the world at least twice, until finally being eaten by wolverines in a Canadian forest. They got what was coming to them. If you suck, you get mauled by a superhero namesake. That’s how the world works.

***

Cinderella and Thotsworth lived happily ever after…for a few months until Cinderella was diagnosed HIV positive. The blood of her sisters went into her open wound and infected her. This is what happened when you aren’t careful, children. This is what happens when you exchange fluids without being careful.

I'm probs gonna be banned for this.

 

You're making another part right?
I wanna hear all about the prince!

Edit: Yay!!!!! Another part!

Edit2: Amazing!!