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1.
[Best Friend] Hey dude, how's it going on Clash of Clans?
[Me] Slow, I really don't know how to get elixir and gold fast. Eh, I only started an hour ago, I shouldn't be suprised.
[Best Friend] Uh, you do know that the game is all about raiding other villages/clans to GET gold and elixir to upgrade your stuff, right?
[Me] ...I knew that. Totally.

 

-Looks at clock: 12:00 on my computer-
Me: Mom, can I make dinner?
Mom: It's midnight!

 

"mom, why doesn't this door work, I'm pushing on it, it even says p-u-l -

oh"

 

Me: Maybe I can go inside this TV show! I'll create a magical portal with this remote! Now to go in-
Random person: YOU CAN'T GO INSIDE TV SHOWS IDIOT!
Me: Shut up! Now to, OW! THIS PORTAL IS SOLID!

 

Me) My record player isn't playing dammit

My brother) You dumbass there isn't a record placed on the platter

 

Me: I spy with my falumtuious eye, something beginning with M.
Brother: Can I have a clue?
Me: Its menu.
Brother: Is it menu?
Me: How'd you know?
Brother: You said it.
Me: No, I said..Menu..

 

(Gets hit in the *head* with a soccer ball)

*grabs knee*
OW MY KNEE

 

Me: GOD DAMN IT I CAN'T FIND MY LIBRARY BOOK I LOOKED EVERYWHERE
Dad: Vincent, look what I found *holds book*
Me: WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?
Dad: on top of your other books
Me: *facepalm* man, I'm stupid

 

Me at 5:00 in the morning.

Sister: GET UP
Me: *Snores
Sister: *Slaps me
Me: *mumbles*meh
Sister: Somethings burning
Me: *Sniffs air* hmm.... smells like....OMFG HOLY CRAP MY TOAST IS BURNING!!!!!
Sister: no it's not this is a dream.
Me: *Wakes up
*Sniffs Air* OMFG HOLY CRAP MY TOAST IS BURNING!!!!!

(I am not joking I dreamed about burning toast then woke up and my toast was burning),

 

Me: WHY IS MY WINDOWS XP NOT PLAYING MY MUSIC
Cousin: Try turning on the sound.
Me: I totally knew that.

 

It was a cold monday when this happened
Mom: SON WAKE UP ITS 7:30 YOU NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL
Me: OKAY MOM NO NEED TO YELL AT ME
*10 minutes after in the school*
Me: Why is nobody in the school...only the janitor is here...oh wait...
Then I looked at the clock and it was 6:30

I luff u Mom <3

 

I forgot how to eat once...It's not really a story but I did ;-;

 

Me: Wakes Up*
Me: Makes breakfast..
Random woman: Came out of the kitchen* Oh dear, your breakfast is ready.
Me: Mom? What are you doing here? I thought you are at [Place] For 4 days.
Ex-Gf: Its me, [My ex-gf's name] . Don't you remember? Is this why your in love with me? I look like your mother?
Me: *Facepalms*

 

*tries to turn on old ds*
Me: Da fuq
-After half an hour of charging the ds-
*Tries to turn on ds again*
Me: What the crap?!
-10 minutes later-
*Sister walks into the room*
Sis: Lol u retard it's broken
Me: Oh.

 

Me: MOM HELP! I CAN'T FIND MY HOMEWORK ANYWHERE!

Mom: Did you try looking in the front part of your backpack?

Me: YEA I DID AND-.. oh... It's... right there. *Mumbles* 30 minutes wasted....

 

Me: SHUT THE DOOR!
.......
Me: *No shutting noise* I SAID SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!
......
Me: SHUT. THE. FREAKING *Looks behind me and sees noone there* Nevermind... *Shuts door*

 

Omg the first thing I thought of was
I CHIMED IN WITH A HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR
okee xD
Just had to make that reference

 

Pfft... Girl trouble xD