Please help me.

Most of you probably won't care, and most of you will probably say I just want attention, but I need to get something off my chest.

I put it all in a Spoiler so that you can decide to either read it or not.

If you don't care about me, you may leave this thread once and for all.
If you do care, you may click on the Spoiler.

Spoiler

Ever since I was 10 years old I've been living a life that just isn't one I agree with living. I've been living an unhappy life, where I've known that there are criminals everywhere to be seen. I panic everyday before I go to bed because I fear that someone will come through the window of my house and kidnap me, and it has come to the point where I don't trust anyone. I have to repeatedly check if the door is locked every night because if I don't I will not trust myself to sleep. At first it was just a small fear and a knowledge that there is a slight risk that someone will rob us, this is when I was about 10 years old. I had the knowledge of criminals and kidnappers, but I didn't really care. Then I heard a story of a girl who was kidnapped for about a week, and I thought that there were very slight chances of me going through the same thing, so I decided to stick to my parents since I thought that outside my home was the only place with dangers. Around when I was almost 11 I heard of a european girl who was kidnapped and raped, and I felt a small fear for that little girl, but I, knowing that I'm a male person, thought I didn't stand a chance to be raped. And then I heard about a 7 year old boy kidnapped and RAPED. I then knew I had no immunity to that and my fear grew a lot. And then I turned 11. I recalled something about someone shooting a school in the USA, but I just though that no one would do that because schools have security cameras and all that shiz. But then I looked it up. Biggest mistake of my life. I saw that some Adam guy began to shoot FIRST GRADERS in a SCHOOL. I began to tear up and I felt like I didn't want to live in this world anymore. I wanted to die, but I didn't want to kill myself. Then I heard the story of Elizabeth Smart, a mormon who was kept in the woods for 9 months before she was found, and she was raped and forced to watch pornographic films and forced to take drugs and alcohol. The worst thing was, she was kidnapped FROM HER HOUSE. Also, I thought that since I was a mormon person I'd be safe with God, but after hearing that story I almost lost all hope in him saving me from something like that. I still believed he existed, but I panicked. A lot. It was at this point that I began to repeatedly check if the door was locked, and I cried myself to sleep every night. Almost every night I had nightmares. And then I heard the story of a girl who was raped so much she became PREGNANT. FIVE TIMES. I began to fear for my then 4 year old sister, I didn't want her to go. Then I turned 12, the age I am right now. And I remember having a really strong sensation of panic in a restaurant, because I was CONVINCED that the restaurant was going to be robbed at gunpoint. I panicked in front of my dad and I breathed really heavily, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My parents tried to make me feel better like any good parent would, but I kept panicking non-stop, and since then I live with a fear that I will be tracked down and kidnapped. That I'd be robbed. Then April came and I began to exercise, but then that exercise turned into an eating disorder. I was very thin and I had the really strong fear to gain weight, and I still do. I used to make myself puke to make myself feel better without having that food in my stomach. I was 4kg underweight and considered myself fat. And then I gained a few kg, and I'm at my correct weight at the moment. Shortly after I began to act like a girl, without caring much. What really opened my eyes was when a friend told me what "gender fluid" meant. I freaked out a lot, I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be another gender. I was and I am scared to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. Don't ask me why. So after that day I IMMEDIATELY began to act more like a male person and today I do not act like a girl anymore. I changed myself in fear of becoming transgender. I'm not aganst the community, I just think living a life like that isn't a correct way to live, and I am sorry if I offend anyone. My parents took me to psychologist to calm me down, and it didn't work in the least. She was a really nice person and she was worried for me, but those fears just didn't go. It came to the point where I'm scared of LIVING. Last week I was home alone in the living room couch, and I saw someone walk to my door throught the window and I heard the door about to open. I almost went to the kitchen to grab a knife before realizing it was my dad. I don't want to live like this. That "just don't think like that" crap is not helping at all. So yeah, I felt like I needed to get something off my chest. Please do not get mad at me for the things I said. I cried while writing this, so I'd appreciate if you didn't try and make me feel bad. Thanks.
-Merc

 

Dude, I'm so sorry if you feel like this. Also, if people can't respect your feelings about the LGBTQ+ community, then screw them. Seriously, we're all allowed to have our own opinions and views. People don't got to like/agree with your points and views, but they should give you respect for having them.

Moving on, I am no psychiatrist, counselor, or anything like that. I don't think I can be of any help, but what I do know is that adults are the people that will most likely make the difference. Talk to your parents about this, think of a solution. Maybe seeing someone else, going on medication, I don't know. Also, I understand why you're afraid of the world. It's a cruel place these days, and that's the truth. I don't want to spread false lies.
Merc, there's really a low chance of anything happening to you, especially if you live in a nice neighborhood. Seriously, stuff has happened in the past, but that's the past. It doesn't mean the same thing is going to happen to you. And think, there's way over a million people in the U.S.A, what's the chance of some of the things you quoted...to happen to you? They're probably very..very low.

Dude, you're a friend of mine, so I really hope you beat this. I'm no professional, but I tried my best with this to help.
Remember to think positive, don't always think about what bad could happen. Think and act positive.
Have a great day/night dude. :)

 

Wow dude. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I used to have the same fears when I was your age. But I always remembered that my parents were there to protect me and to think of something more fun and happy before I went to sleep. Try focusing on that. Instead of thinking of what the worst possible outcome is, think of something happy. Like for example, maybe you could go to a friends house, spend a day in the pool, play your favorite video game, you get the idea. As soon as I started doing this, I became less worried. And remember, the chances of stuff like this happening to you is slim to none, so you really don't have much to worry about.

It may take a while, and I know this sounds cliche, but things get MUCH better. And the best part is that it will before you even know it.

Hope everything works out for you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, just hit me up on my message board.

Have a great day/night man. :D

 

Talk to someone you trust.
To be honest, i'm almost convinced that religion can be taken out of proportion for some people. The world can be a bad and good place. It seems you're having anxiety, and it's reasonable. People can be psychotic, but also remember about the ones that are there for you.