Laugh You Lose - High Stakes

Always trust a man in A big white van that has a really bad tan and a dog named stan

 

And ask yourself Than
What the fuck have I dan?

 

husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too…’

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

Teacher: Who is the father of the nation?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What does hen lay?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: What is the average speed of cars?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: Ask your parents for help and tell me tomorrow.
Next day, the student met the teacher and answered: Mahatma Gandhi lays eggs at the average speed of 45km/hour.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9”
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”

 

There are three people on a hot air balloon. The pilot offers fruit. The first man gets an orange, "Too tangy," he says, and throws it off the basket. The second man gets a pear, "Too sweet," he says, and throws it off the basket. The third man denies the offer, "I brought my own," he pulls a pin, and throws it off the basket.

When they land, they dispurse. The first man is walking, and he sees a child crying.

"Little boy, little boy, why are you crying?"

"An orange fell from the sky and hit my cat on the head!"

The second man see a child crying as well.

"Little girl, little girl, Why are you crying?

"My mommy got hit by a pear and blamed it on daddy!"

The third man sees a child laughing.

"Little boy, little boy, why are you laughing?"

"I farted and a building blew up."

 

So I was in 1st grade and my parents were going to pick me up because we live in the hood and its dangerous. Unfortunately my parents got in an accident and I couldnt go home. So my parents asked if I could sleep with the teacher tonight, and she said sure. so we went to house later and I told her I only sleep with my finger in a belly button. She was hesitant but said um sure. So I stuvk my finger in amd instantly fall asleep. When we woke up my teacher said, that wasmt my belly button,.... amd I said i know it wasn't but that wasnt my finger......

 

One Day, a duck went to the store and asked if they had grapes. The manager said "No, we don't have any grapes." So the duck left. The next day, the duck went to the store again and asked if they had grapes. The manager says "No, we do not have any grapes." So the duck left. So, the duck went to the store again and asked if they had any grapes. The manager says, "No we dont have any grapes, and if you ask again about us having grapes, I'll nail your beak to the floor." So the next day, the duck went to the store and asked if they had nails. The manager said, "No we don't have any nails. the duck said, "What a relief, Do you have any grapes?"

 

My dad told me people only get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, dad would say, ‘Careful, you’re over 9,000 by now.

 

Female logic:
Jane is in the bus, she's sees another girl in the bus
Jane: *thinking* Alright, she holds a bottle, means she's going to see a man, expensive bottle, then the beautiful man. There are only 2 beautiful men in the town, my boyfriend and Jack (lol), 2 girls love my boyfriend Jessica and me, Jessica aint a brunette as the girl in the bus is, now Jack, there are 3 girls (Extra lol) that love Jack, Kiara, Marie and Skyler (Mega lol), Skyler aint a brunette, and Kiara is away from the town.
Jane *saying out loud* Hey Marie.
Girl: Wtf?

 

My joke is in this link.

 

3 men are at the top of a slide. Whatever you say when on the slide, you land in at the bottom.

The 1st man screams "MONEY!"

The 2nd man screams "GOLD!"

The 3rd man slips and says "Aww, crap!

----------

3 people are in heaven. They ask eachother what they would like people to say about them at their funerals.

The first man says he hopes that people say he was a great father and a kind man.

The second man hopes they say he was a great doctor and saved many peoples lives.

The third man hopes they say "Look! He's moving!"

 

Oh we are doing jokes?

I have a funny one!

SCHOOL

 

"I see," said the Blind Man.

 

Last one.

3 men are skydiving. The first man throws an apple out before he jumps. When he gets to the bottom, he sees two kids crying. He asks why they are crying. They say "Someone threw an apple at Daddy!

The second man throws a camera before he jumps. When he gets to the bottom, two kids are crying. When he asks why they are crying, they say "Someone threw a camera at daddy!"

The third man throws a bomb off the plane before he jumps. When he gets to the bottom, he sees two kids laughing. When he asks why they are laughing, they reply "Daddy farted and the house blew up!"

 

I have no idea how I found it though icri

 

Lol ik you are supposed to post jokes not bloody MLP gifs.

 

Guys, let's get back on track here.

 

Nah nah, I ruined this forum already

 

- Caution. Some adult themes lol.-
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
-
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
-
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

 

When you write letters, you end up with words.